Originally published in JunXion magazine. My Publisher’s Note to my neighbors in Chadds Ford, PA.
Joining Shae Bynes on the Kingdom Driven Entrepreneur Podcast
In this podcast I talk about:
->how getting fired was an answer to prayer.
->how my wife deals with our taking BIG risks in business.
->why my co-founder & I proactively discuss our weakness.
-> ...and much more!
This is the most concise way to catch up on where I am with my business endeavors, and how God has moved miraculously along the way.
Hope you listen and enjoy, if so, share a comment!
Many thanks to the immensely talented host Shae Bynes, Founder of Kingdom Driven Entrepreneur. Also a shoutout to Chris Horst & Peter Greerfor continuing to nominate others for recognition.
Why I Refuse to Work 40+ Hours
Thin Ice
Originally published in JunXion magazine. My Publisher’s Note to my neighbors in Chadds Ford, PA.
Someone You Need to Know
My Publisher’s Note to my Chadds Ford, PA neighbors.
I don't know whom I should work with. But God does!
Lately, I’ve found myself praying, “Lord, please don’t let this deal close if it’s not the right partner.”
That’s a BIG departure from where I was a year ago when, somewhat desperate, I wanted every deal to work out. Left to my own discernment, I would currently be contractually bound to people and businesses that are just not a good fit for what I’m building or what I believe in.
For example…
A business run by a guy whose office walls were covered in porn and who implied that he could get around the law.
Another business leader that, by many measures, is the top in the area but with a self-professed penchant for partying hard at the expense of personal relationships.
One woman, a very talented and growing entrepreneur and an excellent fit for what I’m building, had I signed a deal with her, would have damaged relationships I know I need to invest in.
Now I find myself asking God to confirm who is the right partner. Just because someone has the finances, interest, or even if they look like a good fit in my own mind, it doesn’t mean it’s the right partner for me.
Here’s my checklist to determine how I should proceed:
Is this a business I want to promote? Someone recently told me I should partner with a divorce attorney, so I started to research who was best. Then it hit me, why would I point people that direction when I could instead lead them to a marriage counselor. Given my desire to, whenever possible, see relationships healed and restored, the latter makes more sense. I now screen against what I want to stand for.
Do the leadership/staff have integrity? One doesn’t have to share my faith, but I hope to see some indication that they operate with values like excellence, customer service, attention to detail, positive messaging. I’ve opted out of working with a few partners due to observed behaviors that are troubling, at best. This is a fine line because I also want to acknowledge that I never have all the facts and people, including me, have bad days.
What are we each trying to get out of this, and can I help? I try to sense poor motives, like a company trying to make a quick profit or exploit something or someone. I also need to believe that I can help the business get where they want to go through the partnership. No amount of money is worth taking if I know I don’t at least have a shot at delivering high value.
What does God want me to do? This is most important, and because I’m a man of prayer, I pray over prospective deals. This is a HUGE ‘x-variable’ because at times I have turned away from sales that made sense in every other regard. I don’t always know why I don’t have peace about the deal, but I serve a God whose ways are higher than my ways (Isaiah 55:8), and trust that he wants good for me (Jeremiah 29:11), so I just do it.
This discernment, practiced on a daily basis, begins to become refined so that sometimes even in the midst of a conversation I get a sense if it’s a fit or not. Other times it will take weeks or months of prayer, listening, and wise counsel. And it doesn’t just work to screen out deals, there are occasions when it doesn’t seem to make sense that I should work with someone, but I feel peace about it and so continue to pursue it.
Ultimately, this way of vetting deals has been challenging, especially since in my current role I’m looking at up to 10 deals a week and completing 2 or 3. However, the quality is improving, and I trust that these are going to be the right partners in the long run. Not to mention, the anxiety of overthinking and overworking deals is fading away as I trust God. And, I’m even celebrating when deals don’t go through, in the world of sales, this is indeed a peace that passes all understanding!
A Good Land
My Publisher’s Note to the Chadds Ford, PA, community.
FOLLOWING JESUS = SAYING LESS IN BUSINESS
I STILL SAY TOO MUCH IN BUSINESS.
With one verbal chip after another I work to carve a masterpiece, and sometimes see it crumble before me. My sales pitch is often full to the brim with backstory and key updates (at least to me) on traction gained.
In short, with matters of words, I go long.
Commentary as a means of influence, now full frontal from dawn to dusk in real time across a litany of platforms by (often self professed) leaders, has lured me into the never ending truth-telling conjecture.
To be relevant, the world says, I simply must add my piece. And I have.
I realized recently that all this running at the mouth was affecting my business. Fueled by anxiety over deals I wanted too much, I found myself verbally barraging prospects to make my case. Further, I prayed fervently for each one to come through. Most didn’t.
Quiet time with God helped me see that my anxiety was fruitless, striving foolish, and that one day’s “unanswered” prayer became the next day’s thanksgiving for sparing me from my own request.
I QUESTIONED MYSELF AND GOD:
1. If I can’t discern what deals I need, why am I praying so hard for them?
2. If I know God is going to provide, why am I acting desperate?
3. What does peace look like in my dealings and how do I say less?
The Holy antidote to my loose lips? Drum roll please... the spiritual disciplines have to be there: prayer and fasting, daily scripture reading, and regular fellowship. Also extended prayer around strategic plans, new clients, and major moves. Perhaps a retreat to learn to enjoy silence.
This feels a lot like “the same old answer” to spiritual growth, but has taken on a new importance for me in the launch of my startup. And while I know the enjoyment in hearing myself make a case will not easily take a seat, I already see that growth in my faith should cut down my word count in these very clear ways.
1. Discernment about privacy
As God gives ground to my business I am entrusted with sensitive information. A misstep erodes hard earned trust. The old adage “loose lips sink ships” is more true every day and I have to ask God to help me “tame my tongue” to, in some cases, literally prevent death and disaster.
2. Willingness to wait or stop a relationship
Had I crossed paths with the rich young ruler (from Mark Ch. 10) a few months ago, I would gladly have had him back my business. And yet God desires his peace to rule in our heart (Col. 3:15) where the word rule means “umpire.” God should call the shots on every person we hire or have as a client or partner! We enter endless conversations that should not be simply because we forge ahead ignorant of the still small voice telling us to wait, stop, or go another direction.
3. Guarding against exaggeration, manipulation, and lies
Recently, I got a call from a prospect while on the run and heard myself say that another respected business had come on-board even though the deal wasn’t signed. I hung up the phone surprised at my own fast lie and had to repent. No surprise the deal imploded. Now, I closely examine my calls, emails, and pitches looking for dishonesty to root out and make tweaks on a weekly basis.
4. Comfort-ability with silence in conversations
Wisdom in negotiations says that he who speaks first loses and it has been proven that using filler words in a presentation erodes credibility. But how do we find the fortitude to be such a confident, patient negotiator and presenter? I posit that if our walk with the Lord is strong we ought to excel in our ability to be still and silent.
In summary, it’s become clear—the more I talk the less effective I am and it points to a lack of faith in God about my business. Do I truly believe that if I work hard and seek the Lord I am going to have all things provided? If so, my actions and, very importantly, my words (or lack thereof) ought to show it.
Don’t take my word for it...
“EVERYONE SHOULD BE QUICK TO LISTEN, SLOW TO SPEAK…” JAMES 1:19
“IN A MULTITUDE OF WORDS SIN IS UNAVOIDABLE, BUT HE WHO REFRAINS HIS LIPS IS WISE.” PROVERBS 10:19
Originally published on Faith Driven Entrepreneur
How & Why I Blessed My Competitor
Shortly after buying the N2 Publishing franchise for Chadds Ford, PA, I set a meeting with a very cool brand. I pitched a plan for them to be embedded in the "resident generated content" in this affluent "chateau country" and they loved it! I left the meeting elated as this partner would quickly establish credibility for my new magazine.
I called my wife and uttered the words, "...it went great, if this comes through, it's going to crush the competition."
My wife quickly retorted that she did not like the sound of that. I immediately recognized the great pride and selfish intent that had welled up in me; and I didn't like it one bit.
So began a journey to examine my heart, motives, and how my Christian faith should guide my business. I asked God for forgiveness, asked for a change of heart, and dove into the truths of Scripture, which softened my heart for others, even my competitors.
Then I actually started to pray for them and their businesses by name. As I did, I began to think about their good qualities and the reasons why a customer would want to work with them instead of me. It occurred to me that I could both grow my business and bless theirs.
I soon found myself in a negotiation with a potential customer who, when we got into the details of what they wanted, I realized my competitor was a better fit. When I mentioned this, they were surprised at the suggestion, and very thankful as well.
So I made the introduction--it felt good to do it.
A month passed and I decided to stop by to meet my competitor in person. I was warmly received. My referral had turned into a nice piece of business. Our conversation flowed as we educated each other on our strengths. I also learned that the business owner, this competitor, shared my Christian beliefs, what an eye opener!
Soon after I received an email from my competitor (who now feels more like a friend) sending me a lead. I didn't anticipate that happening!
As I thought about what had occurred, I realized that what we were doing, by being selfless and recognizing the value of the other, this was actually resulting in the best deal for the customer!
What if we all worked like that, what if we genuinely cared about people so much that we took time to know the ecosystem within which we operate our business and could guide customers to the best solution, to the best of our ability, with a desire to be a blessing.
Maybe that's radical, counter-intuitive, or even anti-Capitalist, but I believe it's Biblical. And it has worked well for my business, and given me a great peace about my dealings.
Thank God for teaching me this important lesson!
After 150 Posts, A Facebook Sabbatical
Help! I Got Conflicting Advice.
Evil in My Heart Exposed!
Why I'm Thanking God for My Sin
I sinned again recently, willingly even.
As I processed how, yet again, I fell short of God's plan for my life, something strange happened, I started to thank God for my sin.
Why would I do that???
Because this time I am reminded how weak I am against sin.
And as I grieved the sin I became desperate for forgiveness. Pleaded to God even.
As I felt God's love again I was astonished that he forgave me so quickly.
My mind is blown as I consider that I am fully reconciled to God in all His holiness over and over again because of one man, Jesus.
Going through this has made me more aware of my depravity. It reminds me that nobody is holy before God, nobody is good. Not your pastor, not your Mom, not your favorite Christian blogger.
I'm more inclined to look around at "sinful people," the sexual perverts, thieves and murderers, liars and cheats, and realize that I'm one of them.
As a beggar myself I'm less likely to try to tell them how to make something for themselves, and more likely to just point to the one who gives daily bread.
As I stand in awe of the life of Jesus and the holiness of God, the fear that accepting my sin condition will make me calloused to sin is fading away. The pressure to perform to please God easing up.
I also have this growing sense that the more I stand in awe of God, worship, and fall in love, the less likely I am to sin as a secondary effect.
If it took sin to remind me of my condition, humble me, put me in my place before God, increase my reverence for Him, and out of that see greater obedience and shedding of sin in my life, well then, thank you Jesus for my sin.
Ryan
p.s. I've been having this image in my head the last couple days about the chasm between God and the rest of us, so much so I decided to draw it up for y'all.
Book Cover Reveal, More Revealing Than I Bargained For
I'm a fan of April Fools Day pranks. The fake product launches out of Silicon Valley, baby announcements from friends (usually twins), and the like--I enjoy a good "shucks, ya got me!"
And I've pulled a few myself. I launched a fake performance dashboard at Geneva Global, assigned impossible projects to staff on 4/1, and I've peddled fake news amongst family each Spring.
This year was going to be no different.
But how to pull something off on Easter? Easy, I thought, build up to it over the course of a week so nobody sees it coming.
Yes folks, if you're catching on, the book cover announcement isn't real. The problem is, I got confronted with something uncomfortable while doing this.
Maybe it had to do with today being Easter, and the fact that I've been enamored all week that Jesus actually rose from the dead just like he said he would. I'm stunned God would do that for us and I'm "getting" more and more the magnitude of forgiveness that's played out in Jesus.
And my little joke started to feel more and more...lame.
I also had a major oversight in my scheme. Whitney. She was perplexed as to why she didn't know about this book cover, publisher, and all kinds of other details.
Eventually I had to tell her it was all a joke. She smiled, then 24 hours later she told me she'd prayed and felt the Holy Spirit nudging her to nudge me to pray about this too.
Long story short, this trick I was going to pull isn't honoring to God, and so I'm calling it off.
First, I confess to y'all that it was a big lie. There is no book cover, no publisher, barely even conversations around publishing. I'm sorry for lying.
I'm also sorry that once in awhile I find it humorous to mislead people. It's a heart issue and something I'll be watching and asking God to help fix.
In conclusion, I'm going to share the fake book cover anyway since you've taken the time to read all of this (see below).
And, well, my joke book cover alluded to the fact that if you think there's anything good about me the truth is there is someone behind me kicking my butt who rarely get's any visibility or credit.
Case in point.
Love you guys, and when the book cover REALLY is done, I won't play any games about it, I promise.
Happy Easter, God bless you, and may the spirit of the risen Christ move in, around, and through you mightily.
Ryan
I'm Covered: A Poem
Can you believe it?
That man, Jesus,
he picked his team,
put enemies together
a tax collector & a Zealot
the latter killed the former
in any other context.
That's more striking
than KKK + BLM.
It's like a donkey
& elephant fight.
Don't think he didn't
have a point;
His Kingdom is
BIGGER
than differences.
His invitation,
His wisdom--
a man cleansed
by God's word;
soaked in prayer.
Holy, holy, holy is he!
Bringing enemies together.
And as far as we know
the hatchet was buried.
Blessed be peacemakers!
they inherit the Kingdom
I want to walk like that.
Who is my enemy?
Nobody.
Not with this force.
Christs love
overflowing
doesn't allow for
hate, divisions, walls.
Watch them fall.
Over and over again.
they cannot stand
in the presence of
love like that
not when the King
the Great I Am
crawls into the flesh
a glutton for fools
get's hung out to dry
literally, he dies
for the least of us.
To make peace with us.
Man
Makes me want to run
to my neighbors
Conservative + LGBTQ
Boomer + Millennial
NRA + Parkland kids
Pro-life & Pro-choice
The poor, the grieving
ISIS, Al-Shabbab, all I got
Anyone w/ a voice
My invitation?
Draw close
No fear
Come here
Together
Dine at my table
What would I say?
I don't even know
Doesn't even matter
Such is my trust in
this man Jesus
His invitation
because
I've discovered
I'm covered
We Named Our Son White Warrior, Here's Why
God gave Whitney the name Boden for our 1st son in a dream when we didn't know God still named people (it was common in the Bible).
With our 2nd, Lukas, I simply asked God for a name and got a wild vision and a name.
So with baby #3, we figured we'd ask God and get a name. And we did.
However, this time He brought us face to face with our sin and tested our faith like never before. Here's what went down...
Months before conception, Whitney asked God why she has a strong desire to have a baby girl. She sensed God saying, "I made you and I put that desire there."
Then, she asked if God would name the child, and He said yes.
Scarlet popped into mind, she'd never considered it. When she looked up the meaning and saw "fine cloth" she got chills--or years she's had a vision of God wrapping her in fine cloth.
Could we really know we'd have a girl named Scarlet before we had conceived? This was hard to believe because we badly wanted a girl and feared being disappointed.
We started to see the name Scarlet everywhere, over 40 times in 6 months, here are a few examples:
August 31, 2016
I was on a business trip in San Francisco, and Whitney called to tell me about a sense she had that we were going to have a baby girl named Scarlet. I was staying in the Hotel Scarlet.
October 7, 2016
I was at a meeting in Atlanta and realized I was in the Scarlet Oak Room.
At our Church, mid-sermon I sensed Whitney was upset so I prayed, “God please comfort my wife and speak to her right now.”
Just then the pastor said the word “scarlet” three times in a row. Whitney later explained that she was feeling bummed, but when she heard the pastor say Scarlet she was reminded of God’s immense love for her and the vision of being wrapped in fine cloth.
Whitney was praying in bed and asking God for comfort when I song started to play, with the lyrics:
Though our sins are scarlet
You have made us white as snow
I had a pastor friend say to me, unprompted, "I have news for you...you and Whitney are going to have a girl." We hadn't even told anyone we were pregnant yet.
We asked a friend to pray about the baby and name, and she became so convinced this was from the Lord that she went out and bought us red girls baby clothes!
Even our closest counsel was in agreement with us, we'd have a girl named Scarlet.
A correction from God
With sooo many Scarlet's popping up, Whitney and I asked, "are we being hypersensitive to this name?" But wondered why this didn't happen with the first two when we got their names in advance?
I prayed for more clarity on the baby gender and name and felt God saying:
God's name is above all names, above ours, above Scarlet. Remember, I am God =)
Whitney prayed and asked God “What if I’m disappointed? What if we don’t have a girl?" and heard God whisper:
My love is never disappointing.
The big reveal
We finally got THE email with the test results that included all kinds of health indicators, including the gender. Would we have our little Scarlet??? We expected that to be the case.
Drumroll. We opened the email...and. it. said. BOY
What?!
We were stunned.
Disappointment and confusion followed, there were tears.
Visions of a mother-daughter relationship, of perhaps a softer more gentler addition to the brood, all fell away...
The very next day Whitney had a health scare involving blood loss. Everything turned out fine but going through it made her realize that, above all, she just wanted a healthy baby.
Slowly her attitude changed, she even felt guilty about having lamented over the baby God had given us instead of celebrating, and at once she became more thankful and excited.
Getting to Finley
Even with improved attitudes, Whitney and I didn't feel like praying for a new name. Months went by and we'd ask each other, "Have you prayed about the baby name?" We hadn't.
In the fall I started to pray for the baby again. I prayed for hours one day and got a strong sense that this baby would be:
- a gift to his mother
- very strong
- able to absorb scripture quickly
- tall and holding a large sword
Then we had a confluence of events that, in short order, confirmed a name for us:
First, we realized Whitney's grandfather's name, Finley, means "White Warrior"
Then, we saw that the verse we had drawn on our kitchen blackboard, Isaiah 1:18, included both the word "scarlet" and "white" in bold.
We began to feel a connection to Whitney's maternal grandfather Finley (and great grandfather too, also named Finley). His nickname was "Whit," a reference to his surname, Whitfield, and the same nickname Whitney's closest friends call her.
We requested 12/27 for the c-section, but it wasn't available. Instead, the hospital confirmed December 29th, which we later learned was Whitney's grandfathers birthdate.
Discovering this gave us goosebumps!
And exactly 105 years after his great grandfather, Finley Kennedy Whitfield, one Finley Everett Derfler was born as a blanket of snow fell outside.
Focus on Redemption
A simple petition to God for a name became a journey of doubts and confusion. Old ways of thinking about our family deconstructed and rebuilt. God whispered and guided us gently all the while.
We had to confront the verses that say:
- God's ways are higher than our ways (Isaiah 55:8-9),
- He knows how to give good gifts (Matthew 7:11), and,
- nothing, not even our children, must get ahead of God in our life (Luke 14:26), in new ways.
If we're honest, going through this process wasn't fun. We still want a girl but trust God for the outcome.
As we worked through our "stuff," this season taught us to constantly look to God, trust him, and celebrate what he gives us.
Another Baby?
Speaking of having a girl or another baby at all, we'll end with this "Praise Report."
After Lukas was born, we were told Whitney shouldn't give birth again. Our doctor later refuted that, but doubts lingered about her reproductive health.
So, going into this labor and delivery much of our prayer centered around her health and safety.
We count it as praise, then, that the doctor's report this time is that Whitney looks great and can "have 5 more kids if she wants!"
So hey, who knows if we'll have a fourth child or not?
Only God.
And we will truly, genuinely, be thankful for any outcome.
A sign we have hanging in Finley's nursery.
Unbelievable Confrontation on A Plane
I had only a few hours of sleep ahead of my 07:05a flight to Atlanta, and wasn't in the mood to talk. When the woman sat down next to me and joked that she was "a whole lotta woman" and that we'd "become close on this flight", I smiled politely then closed my eyes and fell asleep.
When I awoke 45 minutes later, I was surprised when this same woman turned to me and said this..
"What kind of work do you do?"
I said with some hesitation, knowing this makes sense to almost nobody, "consulting...in the Church."
She replied, "You're about to have an increase. I see a lot of progress coming on deals that you have been working on."
"Wow, interesting that you should say that, especially now," was my retort. Then I asked, "Why did you just say that?"
"Because I've been praying, and I feel strongly God wants me to tell you that. I'm a seer, when I pray I see things."
Then I thanked her, and I told her that it meant a lot to me. As we deplaned, I gave her a big hug as I marveled to her that we, strangers who'd never met, could have this kind of exchange and even call each other brother and sister.
She agreed, hugged me, and we went our separate ways.
I share this because:
- These kind of occurrences, this deeply moving “Intel” and encouragement just didn’t happen to me prior to following Jesus
- It happens now, increasingly so, as I grow in my faith
- Following Jesus is full of surprises, often from complete strangers who can quickly become your "brother or sister," your family, in Christ.
Shotgun Start: A Poem About Progress
When was the shotgun start
Who started the rat race
Where are we headed
When will it stop?
Observation.
Here at the
Tip of the spear
I question this faster ideal
Wheel to the hyperloop
Race to fill every niche
Tripping steam engines
With a side of quiche
Ingenuity fuel, or a
Desire to run away
Somewhere not here
Do not be still, I pray
Lean startup A/B test
Productivity or regress
Polyphasic sleep rest
UBI for all but the best
Matriculation downstream
Chasing that USA dream
I’ve been to their mecca
It’s not what it seems
Digital global infection
Tech company affection
Never been more dejection
Can’t discern text inflection
Corrupt system election
Home is now abroad
Hacking social webs
Subvert flows and ebbs
Modern stories we tell
Time lapse traffic b-roll
Crosswalk people scurry
That chopper rap flurry
News cycles spinning
Not sure who’s winning
Fact check for integrity
They are dead to me
Friends in the hundreds
Nobody here now though
Geospatial analysis
How am I missed?
Stomach this FB feed
A toxic baby formula
Science diet suicide
Bitten apple of pride
To go far go together
Go fast go alone
How are we so far from
That naked start in a garden
30,000 foot view here
Next time you jet set
See cities touch the sky
Wonder with me why
Babel didn’t fly?
Root Cause of Shootings & The Antidote
Eye-opening: Learn How Africans Support Moms
A group of mom's huddled together in Gulu, Uganda.
When I left home for two weeks to visit Uganda, my wife Whitney and I spent a week planning to help her manage the house and two toddlers. We had to because, point blank, we're largely on our own.
To be clear, our parents drive the hour or so to come help if we ask. Our siblings are glad to provide a meal. Whitney is part of several women's groups at church and they do sweet things for her.
It's not near enough.
When I rolled into one village after another in Uganda I saw the women work together, pass babies, watch after the kids, even breastfeed the hungry together.
I'm not writing this to throw anyone under the bus, but to highlight an ill of our way of life in the United States. And provide a few solutions.
Look, my Mom and Mother-in-law can't help much, they work 9-5's, live an hour away, their pet's need care, and they have busy lives of their own. Most of our church family is a 15-minute drive, and they too work or have multiple kids of their own.
Despite living in a dense neighborhood, there aren't many stay-at-home Mom's within a walk of our house, in fact, there aren't any. Whitney mostly meets nanny's and grandparents at the park. And when she does meet a stay-at-home mom, they typically have an impenetrable routine of activities.
I don't know of any mom's who simply join each other in the monotony and mess of everyday life at each other's homes on a regular basis.
And that makes me really sad.
We work hard (both parents) to be wealthy, we're spread out, we've got all the gear, the activities, the outsourced child care--but @@we don't have the rich and authentic community with our neighbors that African's have.@@
As a result, I believe, we're eroding quality of life, especially for Mom's who bear an overwhelming burden, who dip in and out of loneliness, who have few places they can go without feeling like they have to "get ready."
I'm also saddened by how many people lack empathy for these mom's. Especially a generation of mom's who raised their own children in isolation as a single mom or as a result of living far from family.
The unspoken message is that moms need to suck it up and pull it off like they did it, largely alone. Their @@hearts have been hardened over years of separation from the type of community the Church is supposed to have@@ (read the book of Acts).
Now look, my blog is all about building up the Church, about solutions; here's what I've got:
- Family, make time. Do you really have to work, or can you make a lifestyle change to be with your family? Can you move closer, even for a week, a month, 6 months? It was a game-changer when my Mom came to California for two weeks when we had our 2nd. This will be one of the greatest mutually life-giving investments you can make.
- Learn a Mom's schedule. It can feel like everything revolves around mom's. Most just keep their head above water and a tight nap and feeding schedule greatly helps with child behavior. You've got to ask questions to understand their schedule and how you can help within it. And be flexible for changes.
- A regular presence is gold. Given that Mom's have tight schedules, its a great boost when you committing to some regular, a couple hours every Wednesday, for example. We just had a friend offer to take the boys every couple Friday's, now we plan on getting caught up on that day. It's HUGE for us.
- Give a Mom permission to be herself. In our society, Mom's often feel like they've got to meet a certain standard to even leave the house. The reality at home is much messier, and often they don't want to let others in. Let a mom know you're okay with her and her home, in any state, in advance.
- Look around your neighborhood. Proximity is EVERYTHING, that's why African's can be so available to each other, their village is small and they don't have to load up the car for a visit. Want to bless a mom? Look right in your own neighborhood to ensure you can truly be available.
- Look around your church. In my own church, I'm texting with a few other men who's wives are in the same boat as my own. If you see a young family with their hands full, ask how you can bless them.
- Be encouraging, and don't give unsolicited advice. It seems like where help is hard to come by, advice is aplenty! And for a mom who is struggling, the last thing they want to hear is how you were able to figure it out, or about some mom who has it harder. Best to say, "I think you're doing a great job!" or to just keep quiet if you can't actually help.
- Prayer and notes go a long way. Maybe you're too far away to help and can't move. I know Whitney has been incredibly blessed to get a text from a friend saying they're praying for her that day. One time, her own Mom sent a card saying she's doing a great job and when we read it we both teared up. It's still on our fridge a year later as an encouragement to us.
- Be a proactive servant. A lot of Mom's are afraid to ask for help. So initiate and stick with it. We have had two friends recently offer to watch the boys once a week. One came over and jumped in to take the boys to play and later asked if she could fold laundry. Such a simple act, but Whitney and I will never forget her desire to serve us in that way.
- Often help = holding a baby. Most baby's want to be held by a human, which is awesome, but it's hard to do other stuff like discipline kids, make a meal, etc. Holding a baby is one of the most peaceful, calming, quiet joys one can have in this frenetic world. I LOVE holding babies now, and I guess I'm just a little surprised there isn't a line of people at our door wanting to hold ours too. In summary, go hold someone's baby (just make sure you're not sick).
We literally wept when we got this simple encouragement. Words are powerful.