We Named Our Son White Warrior, Here's Why

God gave Whitney the name Boden for our 1st son in a dream when we didn't know God still named people (it was common in the Bible). 

With our 2nd, Lukas, I simply asked God for a name and got a wild vision and a name.

So with baby #3, we figured we'd ask God and get a name. And we did. 

However, this time He brought us face to face with our sin and tested our faith like never before. Here's what went down...

Months before conception, Whitney asked God why she has a strong desire to have a baby girl. She sensed God saying, "I made you and I put that desire there."

Then, she asked if God would name the child, and He said yes. 

Scarlet popped into mind, she'd never considered it. When she looked up the meaning and saw "fine cloth" she got chills--or years she's had a vision of God wrapping her in fine cloth. 

Could we really know we'd have a girl named Scarlet before we had conceived? This was hard to believe because we badly wanted a girl and feared being disappointed. 

We started to see the name Scarlet everywhere, over 40 times in 6 months, here are a few examples:

August 31, 2016

I was on a business trip in San Francisco, and Whitney called to tell me about a sense she had that we were going to have a baby girl named Scarlet. I was staying in the Hotel Scarlet. 

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October 7, 2016

I was at a meeting in Atlanta and realized I was in the Scarlet Oak Room. 

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At our Church, mid-sermon I sensed Whitney was upset so I prayed, “God please comfort my wife and speak to her right now.”

Just then the pastor said the word “scarlet” three times in a row. Whitney later explained that she was feeling bummed, but when she heard the pastor say Scarlet she was reminded of God’s immense love for her and the vision of being wrapped in fine cloth.

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Whitney was praying in bed and asking God for comfort when I song started to play, with the lyrics:

Though our sins are scarlet
You have made us white as snow

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I had a pastor friend say to me, unprompted, "I have news for you...you and Whitney are going to have a girl." We hadn't even told anyone we were pregnant yet. 

We asked a friend to pray about the baby and name, and she became so convinced this was from the Lord that she went out and bought us red girls baby clothes!

Even our closest counsel was in agreement with us, we'd have a girl named Scarlet.

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A correction from God

With sooo many Scarlet's popping up, Whitney and I asked, "are we being hypersensitive to this name?" But wondered why this didn't happen with the first two when we got their names in advance? 

I prayed for more clarity on the baby gender and name and felt God saying:

God's name is above all names, above ours, above Scarlet. Remember, I am God =)

Whitney prayed and asked God “What if I’m disappointed? What if we don’t have a girl?" and heard God whisper:

My love is never disappointing.

The big reveal

We finally got THE email with the test results that included all kinds of health indicators, including the gender. Would we have our little Scarlet??? We expected that to be the case.

Drumroll. We opened the email...and. it. said. BOY

What?! 

We were stunned.

Disappointment and confusion followed, there were tears.

Visions of a mother-daughter relationship, of perhaps a softer more gentler addition to the brood, all fell away...

The very next day Whitney had a health scare involving blood loss. Everything turned out fine but going through it made her realize that, above all, she just wanted a healthy baby. 

Slowly her attitude changed, she even felt guilty about having lamented over the baby God had given us instead of celebrating, and at once she became more thankful and excited. 

Getting to Finley

Even with improved attitudes, Whitney and I didn't feel like praying for a new name. Months went by and we'd ask each other, "Have you prayed about the baby name?" We hadn't.

In the fall I started to pray for the baby again. I prayed for hours one day and got a strong sense that this baby would be:

• a gift to his mother
• very strong
• able to absorb scripture quickly
• tall and holding a large sword

Then we had a confluence of events that, in short order, confirmed a name for us:

First, we realized Whitney's grandfather's name, Finley, means "White Warrior"

Then, we saw that the verse we had drawn on our kitchen blackboard, Isaiah 1:18, included both the word "scarlet" and "white" in bold. 

We began to feel a connection to Whitney's maternal grandfather Finley (and great grandfather too, also named Finley). His nickname was "Whit," a reference to his surname, Whitfield, and the same nickname Whitney's closest friends call her. 

We requested 12/27 for the c-section, but it wasn't available. Instead, the hospital confirmed December 29th, which we later learned was Whitney's grandfathers birthdate.

Discovering this gave us goosebumps!

And exactly 105 years after his great grandfather, Finley Kennedy Whitfield, one Finley Everett Derfler was born as a blanket of snow fell outside. 

Focus on Redemption

A simple petition to God for a name became a journey of doubts and confusion. Old ways of thinking about our family deconstructed and rebuilt. God whispered and guided us gently all the while. 

We had to confront the verses that say:

• God's ways are higher than our ways (Isaiah 55:8-9),
• He knows how to give good gifts (Matthew 7:11), and,
• nothing, not even our children, must get ahead of God in our life (Luke 14:26), in new ways. 

If we're honest, going through this process wasn't fun. We still want a girl but trust God for the outcome. 

As we worked through our "stuff," this season taught us to constantly look to God, trust him, and celebrate what he gives us. 

Another Baby?

Speaking of having a girl or another baby at all, we'll end with this "Praise Report."

After Lukas was born, we were told Whitney shouldn't give birth again. Our doctor later refuted that, but doubts lingered about her reproductive health. 

So, going into this labor and delivery much of our prayer centered around her health and safety.

We count it as praise, then, that the doctor's report this time is that Whitney looks great and can "have 5 more kids if she wants!" 

So hey, who knows if we'll have a fourth child or not?

Only God. 

And we will truly, genuinely, be thankful for any outcome. 

A sign we have hanging in Finley's nursery.

Eye-opening: Learn How Africans Support Moms

A group of mom's huddled together in Gulu, Uganda.

When I left home for two weeks to visit Uganda, my wife Whitney and I spent a week planning to help her manage the house and two toddlers. We had to because, point blank, we're largely on our own.

To be clear, our parents drive the hour or so to come help if we ask. Our siblings are glad to provide a meal.  Whitney is part of several women's groups at church and they do sweet things for her.

It's not near enough.

When I rolled into one village after another in Uganda I saw the women work together, pass babies, watch after the kids, even breastfeed the hungry together.

I'm not writing this to throw anyone under the bus, but to highlight an ill of our way of life in the United States. And provide a few solutions.

Look, my Mom and Mother-in-law can't help much, they work 9-5's, live an hour away, their pet's need care, and they have busy lives of their own. Most of our church family is a 15-minute drive, and they too work or have multiple kids of their own.

Despite living in a dense neighborhood, there aren't many stay-at-home Mom's within a walk of our house, in fact, there aren't any. Whitney mostly meets nanny's and grandparents at the park. And when she does meet a stay-at-home mom, they typically have an impenetrable routine of activities.

I don't know of any mom's who simply join each other in the monotony and mess of everyday life at each other's homes on a regular basis.

And that makes me really sad.

We work hard (both parents) to be wealthy, we're spread out, we've got all the gear, the activities, the outsourced child care--but @@we don't have the rich and authentic community with our neighbors that African's have.@@

As a result, I believe, we're eroding quality of life, especially for Mom's who bear an overwhelming burden, who dip in and out of loneliness, who have few places they can go without feeling like they have to "get ready."

I'm also saddened by how many people lack empathy for these mom's. Especially a generation of mom's who raised their own children in isolation as a single mom or as a result of living far from family.

The unspoken message is that moms need to suck it up and pull it off like they did it, largely alone. Their @@hearts have been hardened over years of separation from the type of community the Church is supposed to have@@ (read the book of Acts). 

Now look, my blog is all about building up the Church, about solutions; here's what  I've got:

1. Family, make time. Do you really have to work, or can you make a lifestyle change to be with your family? Can you move closer, even for a week, a month, 6 months? It was a game-changer when my Mom came to California for two weeks when we had our 2nd. This will be one of the greatest mutually life-giving investments you can make. 
2. Learn a Mom's schedule. It can feel like everything revolves around mom's. Most just keep their head above water and a tight nap and feeding schedule greatly helps with child behavior. You've got to ask questions to understand their schedule and how you can help within it. And be flexible for changes.
3. A regular presence is gold. Given that Mom's have tight schedules, its a great boost when you committing to some regular, a couple hours every Wednesday, for example. We just had a friend offer to take the boys every couple Friday's, now we plan on getting caught up on that day. It's HUGE for us. 
4. Give a Mom permission to be herself. In our society, Mom's often feel like they've got to meet a certain standard to even leave the house. The reality at home is much messier, and often they don't want to let others in. Let a mom know you're okay with her and her home, in any state, in advance. 
5. Look around your neighborhood. Proximity is EVERYTHING, that's why African's can be so available to each other, their village is small and they don't have to load up the car for a visit. Want to bless a mom? Look right in your own neighborhood to ensure you can truly be available. 
6. Look around your church. In my own church, I'm texting with a few other men who's wives are in the same boat as my own. If you see a young family with their hands full, ask how you can bless them.
7. Be encouraging, and don't give unsolicited advice. It seems like where help is hard to come by, advice is aplenty! And for a mom who is struggling, the last thing they want to hear is how you were able to figure it out, or about some mom who has it harder. Best to say, "I think you're doing a great job!" or to just keep quiet if you can't actually help. 
8. Prayer and notes go a long way. Maybe you're too far away to help and can't move. I know Whitney has been incredibly blessed to get a text from a friend saying they're praying for her that day. One time, her own Mom sent a card saying she's doing a great job and when we read it we both teared up. It's still on our fridge a year later as an encouragement to us. 
9. Be a proactive servant. A lot of Mom's are afraid to ask for help. So initiate and stick with it. We have had two friends recently offer to watch the boys once a week. One came over and jumped in to take the boys to play and later asked if she could fold laundry. Such a simple act, but Whitney and I will never forget her desire to serve us in that way.
10. Often help = holding a baby. Most baby's want to be held by a human, which is awesome, but it's hard to do other stuff like discipline kids, make a meal, etc. Holding a baby is one of the most peaceful, calming, quiet joys one can have in this frenetic world. I LOVE holding babies now, and I guess I'm just a little surprised there isn't a line of people at our door wanting to hold ours too. In summary, go hold someone's baby (just make sure you're not sick). 

We literally wept when we got this simple encouragement. Words are powerful.

Profound Teaching on God's Kingdom by My 4 Year Old

I'm A Toddler Spiritually

Came to realize, as I have been instructing my two sons (age 3 and 19 months) that spiritually I'm a toddler.

I documented this humbling lesson in sanctification online here:

As I've reflected on the truths in this lesson, and the way forward, I realized how rich it is, and found myself thanking God for my children, and recognizing some ways he might be calling me to grow up.

A few that came up quickly as I discussed this with my wife include:

-I need to not be so grumpy when I'm tired, this is self-discipline

-I need to be more careful with my words

-I need to listen to what God is telling me to do, and just do it! For example, God told me BEFORE Boden was born, 3 years ago, to learn songs to sing to him, and I still know only songs like "Jesus Loves Me." Again, toddler status.

-I need to wake up and not just start running around, but need to spend time before God.

-I need to know God's rules and mandates and meditate on them to have any hope of obeying them.

This is a work in progress, more to come, hopefully graduating to a pre-schooler in the next months and years!

Whitney's 1st Post: Simple Prayer in the Grocery Store

I don't always remember to invite Jesus into our days #honestmoment. Sometimes I wake up into a frenzy of little people's request (and protests) and just get busy. Today though, I had high expectations of going grocery shopping with both the boys for more than just a few items and while in the car I felt prompted. Out loud I prayed for peace, good listening ears, no tantrums, and if possible a fun time while searching for our food, all ending with 3 Amens. Well... PRAISE THE LORD because it happened! No tantrums and both boys rode in/on the cart happily eating grapes almost the entire time (we paid for the grapes ahead of time because you can't eat half the grapes then pay!) This outing is proof that even in the little things in life Jesus makes it better and shows me how much I need Him. We are a tantrum throwing, mama getting frustrated, not listening, whining mess without Jesus. Thank you Jesus for your reminders and victories when your presence is intertwined in our days! #weloveJesus

A photo posted by @wmiller5 on Dec 13, 2016 at 8:52am PST

Gift Guide for Children

These are the books Whitney and/or I have found to read nicely, they're on message, and well received by our little guys.

Click for more details and to purchase.

A Near Death Birth Redeemed by God

Just a heads-up this post contains some graphic details of the birth--if you get queasy around medical stuff, you might want to skip it. 

Look at the circumstances, the excruciating labor, emergency surgery, near death of the baby, scary hours after the birth, one might find it tough to understand how Whitney and I could say God redeemed the birth experience for us, and yet, that's exactly what happened.

For context, the birth of our 1st son Boden was rough. 30 hours of labor, head was stuck, wife's cervix swelled, heart rate dropped, an emergency cesarean delivery required. The baby ate every hour for weeks = serious sleep deprivation. The recovery for my wife was painful and in many ways robbed her of the joy of being a new mom. A month after we took him home our landlord went through a divorce, had to sell our condo, and we were evicted without any family around to help. 

So, for nine months leading up to the birth of baby boy #2, we prayed "Lord, please redeem this experience for us." Midway through I got an overwhelming sense in prayer that God was going to do just that. Not wanting to be wrong I was tepid to report this to my wife; but, I kept getting it so eventually I told her this time it's going to be different.

With every doctors visit, my wife Whitney and the baby were the picture of good health. And yet, the doctor had to tell us about the risks of a natural birth after a cesarean (known as a VBAC), the possibility of a ruptured uterus, and worse. 

Her belly grew ever larger and the idea of birth pains gave Whitney anxiety. I knew that this pain could not be avoided, so I asked God to draw her close and grow her through it. In the week or two before the delivery my wife told me that God had given her a song, she even began to refer to it as her birth song--here it is:

The day after her due date, Whitney began to have contractions. Excitement--the time had come! We prayed as a family in the living room--thank you God for the medical care, for my mom who flew out to help with our toddler, for giving this son a name, and so much more.

Whitney labored at home as long as she could; we expected her to get to a few centimeters dilation and when she could take the pain no more, we went to the hospital. In the five miles between our house and the hospital she had a few more contractions--they picked up in frequency and ferocity fast--she writhed in pain with each one.

Upon arrival she asked for an epidural--the nurses scurried around in preparation. They reported she was 8cm dilated, very close to birth. The heart rate monitor put on her belly revealed a baby inside with a low heart rate. This coupled with her more complicated VBAC delivery led the nurses to move her to the operating room (OR) for delivery. As they wheeled her away, the doula (a birth coach we had join us) told me that this was all normal, that as the baby enters the birth canal and is squeezed the heart rate often drops.

I was told to "suit up" so I could enter the OR for the birth, which I did quickly since I was an old pro having done this once before. I ensured my phone camera was handy to capture those precious first moments of life.

Nurses entered and left the operating room in a flurry, then one came out and said that a c-section was going to be required. I could hear my wife groaning in the room and the news hit me with a wave of concern. What happened? I thought she was ready to push the baby out? Our doula looked upset. 

Then I stopped hearing Whitney's groans and instead I heard another nurse request a "crash cart." What was that, I asked the doula? Again, her look said it all, then her words confirmed, it wasn't good--it's used to resuscitate a baby. I became confused, it didn't make sense, God told me everything would be okay, He even gave me a name for this baby. If the baby died, I would be left with so many questions, it wouldn't make sense.

I was numb with emotions. Still holding onto the hope that God had given me, yet now also fearful with the reality of what was happening, feeling foolish for having already documented the story about God naming the baby, terribly concerned for my wife--was she okay, was she in pain, was she hearing all of this and afraid? I couldn't even pray in that moment, thankfully our doula began to pray and I listened to her and agreed with every word she said.

Then we heard a crying baby--the doula broke out in praise to God. She told me this was the best possible sound--I praised God too. They brought him to me and congratulated me. I walked with him to the nursery, and the details about what the doctor had found began to emerge.

I learned that the baby's heart rate dropped again and did not rebound. For six minutes it was under 50 beats per minute, a grave concern. The epidural Whitney received did not take effect quickly enough for surgery so she was put under general anesthesia. When she was opened up, they discovered that her uterus was in really bad shape, stretched as thin as a sheet of paper, so much so it was translucent and the doctor could see her instruments through it. Even worse, the baby had the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck and there was what's called a "true knot" in his cord. The doctor later described this as a "triple whammy." 

I learned that a true knot is rare and often deadly. They're formed early in the pregnancy when the baby is small enough to swim around to tie a knot. They are one of the leading causes of still born babies. In our case, as the baby was being born and pulled down the birth canal the knot tightened cutting off his blood and oxygen. One of the nurses later fetched the cord and showed it to us, several standing around remarked that they'd seen only a few of them in their long careers. Then the nurse who was holding it in her hand had me put a glove on to feel it and she said that even with the knot the cord has a spongy covering over a smaller life delivering tube inside, which serves to protect against these kinds of things. She concluded by saying, "Isn't it amazing how God designed all of this?" 

In the nursery, Lukas went through his first weigh-in, bath, and warm up under a heater. A special doctor was called in to review his blood gas scores. For babies who face the kinds of challenges Lukas faced, time without adequate levels of blood and oxygen, they have to determine what the effects will be. She explained to me that Lukas was on the borderline in a couple of categories, but that they were hopeful he'd be 100%. Then she remarked that if we had come to the hospital even a few minutes later it could have been a very different outcome--you had a guardian angel she remarked. 

I hadn't heard an update on Whitney yet. When our first son was born I wasn't in the nursery near as long before we were ushered back to meet mom. I felt like my new son and I were missing the most important part of our family. I asked a nurse and she called for an update, then she passed on that Whitney was still in the OR. It seemed strange to me that over an hour after the birth she'd still be in that room.

I kept praying, "Lord, save Whitney...keep her in the palm of your hand." The thought crept into my mind that nothing is guaranteed, maybe she was in trouble, then again, wouldn't they tell me? There was nothing I could do except embrace this little miracle baby in my arms and pray and trust God.

Both Lukas and the reality of what happened settled into me. The news kept coming, I learned that our doctor didn't make it to the hospital in time, the procedure was so urgent the nearest doctor was called in. One nurse remarked to another something about good thing the small hospital started keeping a doctor round the clock just a year ago, had she not been there, who knows...

Just then the operating doctor came to see me--before we went to see Whitney she wanted to tell me that we would likely not be able to have children again. Whitney's uterus was too fragile, she'd never seen anything like it, a miracle it didn't rupture, and had she delivered the baby naturally it most likely would have had to be removed. I was just glad to hear she was alive--thank you Jesus, the rest would all be dealt with later. 

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

— Matthew 6:34

We walked to see Whitney and she was loopy from a concoction an epidural, spinal tap, and general anesthesia. The nurse reported that the first thing Whit said when she woke up was, "How is my baby?" When she saw Lukas she cried, moved slowly to put him on her chest, and he quickly burrowed in and began feeding. I was choked up. 

The nurses kept checking my wife. One tried to take her temperature and seemed frustrated. Then she asked another nurse to help because the thermometer wasn't registering. They realized her temperature was under 94 degrees--too low to register. They fetched heated blankets and switched her to a warm intravenous drip. Due to the drugs her body couldn't regulate itself--they said the baby on her chest would help to warm her too. 

Eventually Whitney warmed up, we moved to a room to recover just as the workday began. The full picture of what had happened over the past few hours sunk in, at least for me. I started to tell Whitney the details and I got choked up over it. I thought to myself, why can't we have a normal delivery without all of the trouble?

And yet, as Whitney recovered, amazingly she said to me later that she felt as though God had redeemed the birth experience for her. I listened carefully to what she had to say knowing that in this moment I would learn something from my wife about the deep things of God. As she was wheeled into the OR writhing in pain she prayed and God whispered to her, it will all be okay and He gave her great peace. Yes, she said, God had comforted her despite the pain and the turmoil around her and now she felt much better than she had last birth. She felt so bonded to the baby, she couldn't wait to hold him next. Then she told me that it was as if the baby saved her, his heart rate dipping to avoid the natural birth which would have most certainly caused many more problems. 

“Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.”

— Philippians 4:7

I considered her words carefully. Here was this brave woman who had gone through so much, and while on paper it looked like this was a far worse experience than our first birth, God had changed the whole conversation. While I understood what she was saying and I was elated that God had drawn her close to himself all the way through, the drama of the night before stuck with me. I decided that, yes, God did redeem the birth experience because if that's what my wife felt then I would believe it too. I thanked God and adopted a celebratory attitude despite not feeling it 100%. 

In the day that followed we had sweet visitors who offered up prayer for us. One, a dear friend to Whitney, in her prayer she thanked God for having Mom and baby to work together, to preserve them both. Another, a dear friend to me, prayed a blessing over the family and asked for healing and thanked God for what he had done. Friends brought sushi and candy and a gift for big brother Boden. Another stayed for many hours and took beautiful photos some of which are included in this post. My mom extended her stay to help care for Bo so we wouldn't have to coordinate for his care. Whitney's regular doctor came to offer encouragement that it might be possible to have children again.

A day later Whitney posted on Facebook that she was so at peace, and I knew that behind that post was so much prayer, great trials, but an even greater move by God. He had done something amazing in our midst, even more than deliver a miracle, he had taken my wife through her greatest fear and he spoke to her and delivered her on the other end full of strength and peace and with a wonderful testimony about how great God is, something she and I both know full well she could not have done on her own. 

In conclusion, as I sat in the recovery room holding my precious newborn son in my arms and basked in the reality of a redeemed birth experience I prayed and had a revelation that brought this birth into the light for me. The Lord reminded me of one of the most telling prayers I've ever had for my wife, a prayer that lasted hours while at Bethel Church in Redding, CA. While there, the Lord showed me how he wraps my wife with love and gentleness like a soft warm blanket. That prayer has stuck with me and I've attempted to emulate the approach, which has proven effective and to speak deeply to my wife's soul. I saw that through this pregnancy, through the labor and delivery, God had done just that--he swaddled her tight and cozy and warm to insulate her from all that was happening around her. It was so clear now, from the peace of the worship music in her heart and the whisper going into the OR, the warmth of the baby on her chest, the rest and sweet visitation by family and friends, and an extraordinary bonding with baby Lukas, who Whitney in turn wrapped in a blanket of love herself, yes, it was clear that God's redemptive cover had fallen on my wife and in turn enveloped our family.  

God Named Our Son (Again)

For those of you who know Whitney and I well, you've likely already heard the wild story about how God named our first son, Boden. The story is documented here.

Well, back in November, while flying home from a family vacation in Mexico, I was praying on a flight and decided to ask God for a name for the second son, and He did not disappoint.

I think once you hear the details you'll find that what I heard and how it immediately was confirmed once we landed on the ground and looked up the meaning is extraordinary.

We're just super thankful that God gave us another name, and we're encouraging others to consider asking God for a name for your next little one in addition to the baby name books--He might have something to say!

A few days after I produced this video, the story continued...

You'll notice in the video that I talk about how even though what I heard from God in my time of prayer was the name Luke, my "response" back to God was Lukas. When I later told my wife what I'd heard, she also said she liked the name Lukas.

But, do we really want to deviate from the exact name God had given? All I had to go on to make the decision is that when I "responded" back to God in my thoughts, I didn't hear or feel any objection.

Well, I received a prayer letter via email from a guy named Jim Yost that answered the question! Jim lives and works in Indonesia. Everyone I know who knows Jim loves him and says what a Godly man he is and how God works through him mightily. I've been blessed by his email updates about the work he is doing caring for children, even adopting many into his home, as well as helping to respond to disasters and build the community where he lives.

This latest letter, though, was especially impactful because he starts with a Bible verse from the Book of Luke, only he has spelled it "Lukas."

This gave me a warming confirmation that perhaps Luke and Lukas are interchangeable after all. Praise God for that, because I want to listen to and obey him even in the details, and I'm grateful that God is interested even in the details of my life, after all, he knows every hair on my head (Lukas 12:7). 

2nd birthday update

At the two year mark we are really starting to see Lukas' personality, and it's uncanny how it aligns with his name and the vision God gave me of him. For example:

• Lukas is unafraid of lots of things like climbing high places, picking up spiders, things like that. 
• He runs toward trouble. We play this game sometimes where I hide and jump out, and where other kids turn and run, Lukas instinctively runs toward me eyes wide open on high alert. With the fight or flight response, Lukas is a fighter.
• He picks people up, it's an interesting combo but one that aligns with the vision I got of him picking people up. When his brother gets hurt lately, Lukas runs over to give him a kiss or even help him get up.
• He's a light. In our family, Lukas has a certain lightness about him. His smile is infectious, even strangers comment on this. He lately laughs out loud on purpose.
• He follows his own path. At the playground Luke does his own thing, he is definitely not a follower, he is not easily persuaded. We anticipate that being a defender of the Kingdom of God is not going to make him popular, and God has designed him to be okay with that, he doesn't need the affirmation of others. 

God Named My Son

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139: 13-14

It's true, God gave us the name for our son, Boden Wiley Derfler, before we even knew he was a boy. But before I get to that, I want to share the real, practical ways we felt God's presence in the pregnancy that led up to the naming. My wife, Whitney Elizabeth, was born to be a mom. As a young girl, she carried baby dolls around the house as a pretend mother to them. She played house, like many girls do, but she gave extra care to it all. Through her school years and even while entering the working world, her desire was always to be a mom. She became a nanny to two small children for a few years and exhibited a natural instinct with them. And so, that she got pregnant right away was a miracle itself, any woman who has struggled to get pregnant would attest. God was fulfilling His plan and design for Whitney on the first try!

But, before we knew that a baby was on the way, and a week before any kind of test could verify the pregnancy, Whitney got a loud and clear confirmation one day. She sat on the floor praying for her friends, and right in the middle of it all, she heard in her thoughts, "You're pregnant." Whitney rarely makes firm statements like this. For example, she would say "maybe I'm pregnant," even if she took a test and it said she was pregnant she wouldn't be so sure. So the fact that what she heard was matter of fact, it helped her to know it was not her own thoughts. A test a couple weeks later, on Christmas Day, verified that what she heard was true.

Newly pregnant, both Whitney and I could hardly contain our excitement. And yet, we waited a few weeks to tell anyone to allow it to be special news for just the two of us and to wait until the chance that the baby could be lost was lower. Yet, before we told anyone, our neighbor approached me while I was walking our puppy Archie and excitedly blurted out "Whitney is pregnant," through a heavy Iranian accent. My puzzled look back to her as I wondered how she could know this was met with a follow-up, "I had a dream and I saw this." Back in the house, I confirmed with Whitney that she had told nobody--we were the only one's that knew, or so we thought.

A couple months into the pregnancy, we weren't thinking too much about names.  And, the names we did toss around for ideas were for girls, because we mainly thought it was going to be a girl. Then, one night, Whitney woke up and heard the word "Boden" three times, not audibly, but as clear as day in her mind. Her first thought was, "What?" Because she didn't know it was a name--she had never heard it before. The next morning she looked up the meaning and it gave her goose bumps. You see, Whitney had been praying for this baby all along for all kinds of things such as that s/he would be healthy and strong, kind- hearted to people and animals, social and funny, and much more. When she saw the meaning of the name Boden on the computer screen--shelter and messenger--she was immediately struck that God had taken strong qualities of our two characters. Whitney, with her care for all living things--be it people or pets or plants--and her nurturing way, combined with my social nature, love of hospitality, and desire to share stories--the perfect name blending our qualities was this one that meant shelter and messenger. God had provided a name that was better than she could have imagined and she loved it!

It was a couple of days until Whitney came to me with the news. And when I heard it, my first thought was that it was unique for sure, and then I wondered what kind of nickname he would have. Then, a light went off in my memory! A couple weeks prior, we had gone to hear a band called Need to Breathe, and the lead singers are brothers named Bear and Bo. As we drove home from the concert, I remarked that if we had a son we should call him something manly like Bo, because that would have a ring to it, Bo Derfler. Whitney squashed the idea. Well, now that we had this name Boden, I pointed out that our son would be called Bo for short, just as I had wanted. She agreed that, yes, he could be called Bo, but her nickname for him would be Bodie.

Mind you, all of this happened before we knew we were having a boy. And, I should add that our experience was that when it became known we were pregnant, almost everyone (family, friend, and stranger alike) started to weigh in on the sex of the baby.  And a large percentage, I'll say 75% or more, were telling us they thought it was going to be a girl. They would say that they could see clearly that the baby was sitting in the belly a certain way, we spun a ring above her belly and it spun in such a way that indicated a girl was in there. But this name Boden, which we were increasingly feeling like it was from God, wouldn't work for a girl. So, this story about getting a name from God was not one that we were telling to anyone, not wanting to look like a fool should we be wrong. Also, neither Whitney or I were of the understanding that God was in the habit of naming babies nowadays. Sure, in the Bible He clearly did, but we just hadn't heard much about it happening anymore. That all changed very quickly.

A few weeks after the name was revealed, I attended the Silicon Valley Prayer Breakfast. Modeled after the National Prayer Breakfast held in Washington D.C. each year, it's a big deal in the San Francisco Bay Area, often attracting well-known speakers like Condolezza Rice and hundreds of attendees. You can imagine my surprise when the keynote speaker, Hollywood producer Mark Joseph, spoke about how God had named his daughter during his speech. Did God reeaallly name my son? It began to look more and more like a possibility.

Then, within another week, as I shared the story with a colleague at work, he quickly remarked that God had named two of his children. And He had equally amazing stories to tell me about it. As I heard them, it was solidified in my mind that God had named my son Boden, and I then knew with 100% certainty that we were going to have a son. At this point, I began to tell the story. I now had complete faith that this was all from God, and I just had to share it. We found out a month later via ultrasound that we were due to have a baby boy.

God names children, I am not sure why He does with some and not others. But this much is true, He does it and in our case it was such a comforting experience. After all, if God names a baby, then there is a reassurance that His hand is on that baby through the pregnancy and that was so helpful for us since we navigated this our first pregnancy on the opposite side of the country from our family and friends.

God continued to provide peace of mind to us. Even with His confirmation in prayer that we were pregnant and with a name given to us, we still had anxiety about the delivery. About five months into the pregnancy, a friend casually suggested that we might come meet her doula, who was going to help her through her delivery. We didn't even know what a doula was, but we went anyway, and we met Tara, who would greatly impact our peace of mind about the birth, in a most remarkable way.

Tara, we learned, was a Christian too. Even more importantly, she has a really calming presence and she knows a whole lot about giving birth, the mother of five herself. When she came to our home to get to know Whitney and talk about a birth plan, we were surprised that our puppy Archie didn't even bark when she came in the door. In fact, he ran right up to her and licked her foot--pet owners might appreciate such a vote of confidence. Long story short, the idea that we would have Tara in our corner to help us through the delivery gave us a peace of mind through that pregnancy that made things seem safer.  Also, Tara, who normally charges over $1,000 for her services, informed us that she would not take our money when we asked her about the payment details. She told us that in our case, God nudged her to provide her services to us as a gift and she wouldn't budge.

There is more to our feeling blessed through this pregnancy than is even captured here. For example, toward the end of it I kept coming across the verse Psalm 139, which included the verses 13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

These verses were presented in a Bible study one night, then it popped up in conversations, and when I opened my Bible randomly for inspiration, there it was. I find that for me, God often works by putting the same verse in my path repeatedly to truly write it in my heart.

So, all of these occurrences gave us a strong sense that God was involved in this pregnancy in a very personal way. It left us feeling compelled to share this story with you, because it is so important to us that He gets the glory for this baby boy in our life--we thank Him all the time; and we relay to you son, dear Boden Wiley Derfler, that you are blessed, that God named you, and we pray that He continues to bless you, establish your ways, and grow you as His very own shelter and messenger.