marriage

Tools That Work

The Best Gift You Can Get A Married Couple

Ryan Derfler ·

Over the past three months my parents and parents-in-law gave Whitney and I an amazing gift. Several mentors have advised me to do this to keep my marriage healthy, so I have to share.

Whit & I at a B&B, a gift from my parents. Dec. 2017

Whit & I at a B&B, a gift from my parents. Dec. 2017

Each time, our parents watched our kids and gave us two nights away. One night is great, but two nights lets you sleep in twice in a row, and somehow enables a quick recharge that lasts for weeks.

Drop the kids off Friday afternoon, head home or to a B&B, then pick them up Sunday afternoon. 

Twice we used the weekend to clean the house and prep for baby #3. We worked 10 hour days each Saturday and its amazing how much we got done without the kids around. 

Another time we simply checked into a B&B and watched movies, had a big breakfast, did a little shopping without being rushed, took naps, watched movies. It was glorious, and gave us a chance to talk about all kinds of things and we felt like we were dating again. 

So my advice is this, find someone who can do this for you.

  • If you have grandparents or other family nearby, approach them about it.
  • If you are a grandparent, aunt / uncle, or other friend or relative, consider giving this as a gift. I've even made one you can print out below!
  • If you don't have family nearby, think through who in your church or neighborhood might be able to do this for you, and bring it up, maybe consider doing a swap for them to do it as well.
  • If you don't have anyone you trust with your kids or that you an ask, get intentional about building a relationship with some family in your life to get there within the next 6-12 months.
  • BONUS: If you want to really bless a couple that needs refreshment, and have the money to do it, consider throwing in a B&B stay like my parents did as a gift to us, which is an incredible gift. 

Marriage Time Away Gift Certificate (click to view and print or order professional print)

Adventures in Faith

#metoo - Here is how we combat sexual harassment

Ryan Derfler ·

Let me join the chorus of those who've been harassed. 

The owner of a fine dining restaurant, and my boss, would often get drunk and grab at me from all angles. She'd say vulgar things to me and the rest of the crew.

When I bartended in Key West more than a few times I'd have wealthy gay men come in and proposition me or otherwise put me in an uncomfortable environment. 

Another time a married woman gave me her room key and kissed my neck as she walked away. 

As a part-time model and actor, I've often had extra sensitivity to my environment to ensure I don't get caught in a bad situation by someone with ill intent. Fortunately, my agents do a good job screening out shady people, and I've never been abused like some of the stories we're reading about in the news now.

Why do I share this now? What's my point? It's this...why is anyone surprised?

I thought everyone knew Hollywood was full of aggressive sexual behavior and abuse? I mean, even if ya don't know the industry gossip, just look at the product they're creating.

I thought everyone knew that as a society we have been fighting for our freedom to express ourselves sexually, even at the expense of what others see as morally right and wrong?

I thought everyone knew that we flat out accept overt sexual references, derogatory language, and uncomfortable displays of nudity in the public sphere? Whitney and I can hardly find a sitcom or live comedy show to attend anymore.

If we are foolish enough to think that throwing out modesty and traditional marriage as a society has nothing to do with the abuse we're seeing, then we're in for a very difficult shock to reality in the years ahead. 

This behavior is not going to get better, it will get worse, and our country needs Jesus and God's plan for sex more now than ever. 

“Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life.”
— Galatians 6:7-8

Adventures in Faith

My Jewelry is All About My Wife

Ryan Derfler ·

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I met this morning with a guy who, despite only sitting in-person with him 2 or 3 times, he is very dear to me, or as we Christians say, he's my brother in Christ (Matthew 12:48-50). And the cool thing about the body of Christ is that God gives spiritual gifts (1 Corinthians 12), and this particular brother, he has the gift of prophecy. This means that He get's "words" from God, and here's what he said to me this morning, as we chatted at Harvard Business School...

It went like this, after chatting for 45 minutes, I asked him if he had anything I should write down, meaning, is God giving you anything for me?

He said that he was given a picture of the meaning of my ring as symbolic of the bond that Whitney and I have together, which is very strong, and has God at the center. He asked me if that had any resonance with the wedding ring that I wear. 

I told him that, yes, I had selected this design for a very strong exterior (tungsten) with a beautiful interior (rose gold). 

But even further, I told him, shortly after I met Whitney, while we were still dating, I had a piece of jewelry designed to represent our union. The charm melted down a lot of my old jewelry, representing a new beginning, and the gold was formed into the letter "W" for Whitney and "R" for Ryan interwoven, with a diamond at the center, representing Jesus.

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And finally, I added, over just the past week, I've been thinking "in the back of my thoughts," really in my soul, about what it would be like to love Whitney more fully. To hear her, love her for who she is, devote myself more fully just to her and to knowing her. Nobody knew about this conversation, and here was this brother with this word from God encouraging me forward in the strength of this union.

This was a fun start to my day in Boston, and another example of how fellowship with believers brings about a "different world" that is encouraging as it shapes in truth and molds one into the image of Christ.

Adventures in Faith

My Godly Wife

Ryan Derfler ·

So the other day my wife shows me a post she put on Instagram, and as I looked through her posts, I realize that she's putting all these wonderful little nuggets of her faith online too. 

I mean, I know that these things happen in her life all the time, but to see how she documents it, life through her eyes, well, let's just say I'm one proud husband.

And the best part, look who get's the glory!

Adventures in Faith

Wow, I Just Changed 3 Marriages?

Ryan Derfler ·

On a recent business trip, I reached out to a friend on a whim. I don't always visit him when I'm in his town, but I had a sense that on this particular trip, I needed to do so, but didn't know why. 

Anyway, he was available and so we met up and had a really rich conversation. I ended up feeling like I had some really specific things to share with him. Neither of us expected to have the kind of conversation that we had, but we both left feeling really uplifted by it. I was glad I followed "my gut" to reach out to him.

A few months went by and I didn't think about our time together, and then I got this email from him...

Bro -

Unbeknownst to you, one of the things I took from our last conversation while together was that I need to be praying with my wife like you are doing with Whit.

Since the morning after our meeting I’ve been waking up early and praying with her every morning and it has made a huge difference in our relationship….I mean huge.  

Throughout this time, two guys in my men’s breakfast group expressed issues and I told them about what you did for me through this suggestion.  They both have begun to do this and report significant improvements in their marriages.

You’ve had an impact on three families and thought you should know.  

Hope you’re well.

Now, to be clear, this is nothing special about me at all, it's God, and here's what I mean:

1. That sense I had to visit my friend, God puts those ideas in people's minds, it happens to me numerous times each week, both on the giving and receiving end. It's a normal part of walking with Jesus and having his Holy Spirit active in your life. 

2. The things I said to my friend were very simply from my experience praying and applying Scripture to my own life. So in a sense, I just shared Scripture with him that had come to life in the world in a way that resonated with him and drove him to action.

3. If you knew the backstory on how I met this friend, and the details of our relationship, it is so clearly wild that we even know each other. There is simply no other reason that God has connected us for exactly these kinds of exchanges. 

“As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.”
— Proverbs 27:17

Adventures in Faith

I Want to Die

Ryan Derfler ·

Every week I get to a place where I'm desperate for the Word of God. Sometimes I don't get my fill and the desperation grows. I know that the longer I stay away, the more I'm doing things in my own power, in ways that make sense to me, and the risk of being outside of God's will scares me.

Eventually I succumb and collapse at the feet of God. He's so gracious He's always there to pick me up, invite me to sit on His lap, and gently instruct and guide me. 

The point is that there are so many forces pulling me away from God. Yet, I'm already tuned into His Word, I've had a taste, I've submitted my life to Jesus, and there is no turning back. But staying there, well, its a daily battle.

The further I go into my faith, the more I see the miraculous unfolding in and around me, the more intense the battle rages. I get emails now from people who say my words or prayers or something I did brought them healing, it stirred up their interest in Jesus. I know this is God, just my making myself available to Him in some small way.

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You'd think that with these kinds of things happening that I would be ever so committed. And in some ways I am, but in other ways I feel the opposing forces growing ever greater. I'm like the Stretch Armstrong doll being pulled to the limit, until I finally get the wisdom and courage to shout to the enemy "let go, out of here, in the name of Jesus!" Then I go springing toward the prevailing force, that of my savior. 

Is this all about shaking my hand free from the enemy that's trying to pull me away? I think that, rather, its about choosing the hand that is outstretched to me so fully that I no longer have an open hand to the enemy. 

This isn't easy. I mean, on one hand (excuse the pun) it IS EASY. But then again, no, it's not. This is a struggle because I am at war with my flesh. I am at war with the world. I become interested in the pleasures of the world. The comforts of it. Even the comforts of the church and what I see and hear preached.

Lord, help me, save me, show me YOUR WISDOM. Not the wisdom of men.

I saw this sermon by Francis Chan. This brother, well, just listen to what he says about the church in China. That desperation, that abandon of self, I crave that. I crave to give up my life for Jesus.

I was thinking this last night. Then I cracked open my Bible to pick up with my reading this morning, and the verse that I read is John Chapter 10. You should read it, anyway here's a verse that jumped out at me:

“The reason my Father loves me is that I lay down my life—only to take it up again. No one takes it from me, but I lay it down of my own accord.”
— Jesus speaking in Matthew Chapter 10, verse 17-18

So, here I am, sitting before my computer, and before God, and before you, and I'm asking, "What does it mean for me to die to myself?" I have a couple ideas, here they are:

  1. Die to wasting time with mindless activity, and replace it with studying God's word.
  2. Die to over indulgence and comfort that robs early morning hours in prayer.
  3. Die to the sense that I can manufacture success, and bathe every effort in prayer.
  4. Die to the obsession with my self and own image, and seek instead of build up others.
  5. Die to free spending on things I don't need, and give more money away.
  6. Die to my instinct to criticize, and instead practice holding my tongue.
  7. Die to shortness with my wife, and practice assuming the best and active loving her.
  8. Die to the apathy I have that God is moving and drawing people all around me.
  9. Die to my lack of focus on learning songs of praise and memorizing Scripture.
  10. Die to judging those who wrong me, and instead pray for and seek to bless them.
  11. Die to the lust of the flesh and focus heartily on my wife, purity, cleansing in the Word.
  12. Die to avoiding service to the church and rather build it up right where I am.
  13. Die to favoring quick and dirty responses to the issues of the day versus being rooted in the bigger picture and more sustained faithful efforts.

I've had a taste of most of these things at times, and it is gut wrenching. I have a sense about the direction God wants me to go, the direction he's pulling me toward. I've gone down these paths, sometimes only to turn around the other direction. Or I go but look back. Or I go and lament going for a time, I grumble. Or I go, and sometimes, I embrace the great escape, the freedom, the power of overcoming the world, overcoming my own self, overcoming death for life, and in doing so, the Gospel and my faith comes alive.

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”
— Jesus in John Chapter 10, verse 10

Prayer, Most Read

Prayer Changed My Home In A Big Way

Ryan Derfler ·

Recently, I knew something was bothering my wife.

I had clues about the reason--a recent cut in pay, a second baby due to be born in a few months, a list of things we wanted to accomplish that wasn't getting shorter, not to mention the aches and pains of the third trimester after long days mostly alone with a toddler. No shortage of possibilities here.

But what could I do about it? How can I help? This was the question I posed to God while driving home.

God gave me this right while I was driving (as in, this thought popped into my mind and it made a lot of sense, gave me peace, and would not be something generally that I would thing): He told me to talk with my wife and write down all the things that were concerning her or needed to be done, big and small. Then, pray for those things and trust Him.

I've had enough of these thoughts sweep into my head in prayer before to believe right away it was from God, and it immediately lightened my spirit and made me excited to arrive home.

Once inside I initiated the conversation with a question, "Honey, what are the things on your mind, tell me everything that maybe concerning you?"

She opened up quickly, and the first few were directed right at me. A less grown version of me would be defensive or discouraged, yet I was almost excited! The sense that God gave me in the car established my foundation; I began to write the list:

A brief interpretation of this list goes like this...

1. Man Up - when the baby comes, I need to be stronger. I can't repeat some of the antics from baby #1, such as telling my wife to "suck it up" or wonder aloud how women without modern conveniences "do it."  

2. Hear + Wake Up - my wife is concerned that when the baby cries, I won't wake up, and she'll be left handling both the toddler and the newborn all the time. As a deep sleeper, I need to be more sensitive to getting up.

3. Be Joyful - when I help out with the kiddo in the morning, I tend to walk around like a big sleep deprived grump, and my wife, whether she feels good or not, is always joyful. She does this, she says, so that our children are shaped by our joy. I need to adopt that approach.

4. As we talked about the birth, it became clear she felt alone the last time around. I wasn't much help, as I was concerned for her and not great at the techniques we learned in class. Could someone else like a family member or doula be in the room to help out? 

5. The last birth was a tough healing process, all kinds of soreness and flare ups. Let's ask God for a better time around.

6. It's hard to find people to talk to, that listen, don't continually add their own stories, know when to encourage, and so on. We want that person for Whitney here.

7. Could Whitney's family be here to help? That's the prayer.

8. Could my family come out to help afterward too? We hope and pray.

9 & 10. We want a safe, secure, organized space for the baby, which we don't have now. 

11. Lord, let the feeding be easier this time around. Boden, our first, had a number of issues that caused both he and mom a lot of pain.

As this list came out of our conversation, I felt that I was gaining understanding of where my wife was physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Immediately I prayed over this list and the results were incredibly fast! Literally that same night I saw the whole tone of the conversation shift from one of being anxious to hope.

We started to explore in conversation how we could make things work. On the back side of this paper, I began to write down tasks to move things forward. By the next morning, several of the larger issues, such as feeling a weight that we needed more space, even a new place to live, had melted away. Within two days, as I began to finish some of the tasks, we began to delight in our existing place and didn't want to move if we could. Within a week it was a new narrative altogether, and I found extra energy to tackle the list of tasks, skipping weekend naps to be productive, which impressed my wife.

While one might point out my extra effort as the reason for the lifted anxiety in our home, I know that it started in prayer in my car lead by the Holy Spirit to a solution I would not have thought of on my own, gave me a resolve to see it through even when I had to take some criticism, and propelled me forward with a new energy. This is the hand of God and as I look back I stand in awe that God could do so much so quickly in our hearts, marriage, and in our home. 

“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”
— Ephesians 5:25

Tools That Work

A Prayer for Husbands

Ryan Derfler ·

So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. Colossians 3:12-15

An old pal from college calls me, I'm not even sure if he's a Christian. Doesn't matter, I love the guy. Anyway, after pleasantries, our conversation went something like this:

Him:  I need help man, my marriage is in trouble.

Me:    Sure, what's up?

Him:  It started small, I can't even remember the fight a month ago. Now we can hardly look at each other. If it wasn't for the kids, I'm not sure if we'd stay together.

Me:    Alright, bro, well, look, I've been there. I know what its like. The difference is, as you know, I believe in God and the Bible and its a great tool in a time like this. So my answer is going to come from there, you know that, right?

Him:   Yeah.

Me:    Alright, well, here's what you do. Take your lunch break at work tomorrow, a good hour at least, and sit quietly and pray. I know you're unsure about God, just pretend you believe and that He's there and he's your friend. Ask God to show you how He sees your wife because he made her and he sees her differently than you do right now. And if over the hour of just listening, if God gives you any thoughts about your wife, write them down. Then go to your wife and tell her the things that God showed you as a way to break through the downward spiral. Do you think you can do that?

Him:   Yeah.

Me:    Alright bro, can I pray for you guys too? Prayer is powerful.

Him:    Sure......

I got off the phone and we didn't talk for at least a month. I had no idea what happened, but I prayed for him once or twice. 

Some time later, he calls me just to catch up. I had actually forgotten about their fight. He brought it up, telling me that I was a lifesaver during that time. He said he did what I said and God had given him things to share with his wife, and that it got things moving in the right direction, and everything was going much better now.

You can imagine how encouraged I was to learn that he went to God in prayer, that despite his unbelief God revealed himself to this friend of mine, that through it all the division between him and his wife was overcome by love. This is the God of the Bible that I serve.

People Getting It Done

Touched by the Suffering of Jack McCall

Ryan Derfler ·

“Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.”
— Psalm 23:4

Jack and I first met when I attended a 6:30 am Christians in Commerce Meeting at the San Jose Chapter. I can't recall entirely how it worked out that we ended up grabbing lunch together soon after, but we did. Jack is the refreshing type of believer who lays it all on the table, his shortcomings, his struggles, and mostly, his praise. 

I've come to Jack with some of my own struggles as a result, and he is a rare person in that he shies away from giving advice. He wrote to me once:

"I'm not one to give men advice, because God has assured me that His voice to each heart is far more impacting than any knowledge I may impart. He does use me to speak to folks, but not usually in the way of advice." 

He may share a relevant story, but usually doesn't say "do this or do that." I've found that when I go to Jack, the Holy Spirit moves through him to me in a profound way.

Jack and I have had several such "Holy Spirit exchanges" between us over the past year or so. One such case was a breakout of prayer in the middle of a Denny's restaurant I wrote about here.

The Holy Spirit moved through Jack as he spoke at his wife's funeral in the Fall of 2014. She passed away after 40+ years of marriage, and I grieved in my heart for him; I also saw God use this difficult trial for His glory. Jack's words were profound--about his failings and love for his wife--it became clear their marriage was a great testimony. 

In the days after Jack lost his wife, he was understandably shaken. He grieved tremendously, and publicly to those who know him and follow his blog. In the midst of this great trial in his life, I saw that God was doing deep and wonderful work in his life. The words he was writing cut right to my heart, I'd often tear up while reading them.

I reached out to Jack to see how he was doing over breakfast a month or two after his wife's passing, I just had a sense I needed to pray with him. When I did, the most miraculous thing happened, I wrote about it here. This was God using Jack's suffering to bless others.

Not long after Jack's wife died, his mother died too. I learned that his brother had died within a year or so prior to his wife's death. He had also dealt with a challenging sale of a business he had built over many years. To look at his life from an outsider's perspective, one might have great pity on Jack. But I know Jack and I know better, and I saw how there was treasure in the midst of the brokenness. In fact, I texted and emailed Jack that on several occasions. I couldn't hold back from telling him how clear it was to me that even while he was numb and grasping most days for a way to get by, his continued faith and obedience to God's word was serving as a great sermon to most everyone around him. 

Now, months later, I've been able to witness Jack start to become outrageously blessed in the wake of all the loss and mourning. He is literally a man dancing with joy at how good God is, and to say that is a real miracle. I know many who have faced this kind of loss and are derailed if not wrecked by it. Jack has been sustained by his faith, and out of his sufferings he has emerged in a deeper walk with God and having impacted many through his walk. 

In closing, Jack has a website where he blogs and provides resources online here, register to receive his blog posts, which I always read when I receive it in my inbox. I really like his "Appointment with God" outline he has posted online here. As Jack shifts from career as a successful salesman to spend more time in ministry, I expect God is going to do continue to do amazing things through him.