God Used Our Dying Cat to Remind Me of His Love
God Told Me How Much to Work at Home
Why I Vowed to God Not to Drink Alcohol
For many years I’ve entertained the idea of quitting drinking alcohol because the damage it has caused in my life is both well-known and hidden:
Well-known because I lost my sister, Danielle, to the actions of a drunk driver. And there are a slew of people from the not too distant past, and especially in college, who can testify to the wreckage that drinking caused in my life (I documented some of it in a post here).
Hidden because I've made so many bad decisions when drinking in my past. And even though the days when that was a frequent occurrence are long gone, it still happens. It's true, even as God has blessed me with a family, children, a great job, and more, if I’m honest with myself, I have to acknowledge that there’s still an unhealthy desire in my heart to “let loose” and not be concerned with how much I drink.
This desire has reared up time and again in small and even some big ways.
Over the past two years in my job there have been functions where I’ve had four, five, or more glasses of wine--well into the state of questionable judgement and loss of control. I've made the excuse that, as a salesperson tasked with "working the room," it's part of the process.
Whitney almost always can tell right away and is rightly angered that I would “let go” in this way. When Whitney and I traveled recently to Nashville, we both saw my desire to drink heavily on full display.
Even in more innocent instances--a couple of Scotches while doing house work on the weekend for example--when I reflect on the motivations of my heart to have that drink, the answers don’t settle well with me, answers like…
- to relax more
- to have a different kind of energy
- to be a little more joyful
The fact is, in each instance Scripture comes to mind that says…
- find comfort in the Lord (Matthew 11:28)
- God will help me to soar (Isaiah 40:31)
- the joy of the Lord is to be my strength (Nehemiah 8:10)
Not to mention Scripture says I’m to be sober-minded (1 Peter 5:8, Galatians 5:21, Proverbs 20:1).
Other excuses I could make are that I like the taste and it’s healthy, but again, as I reflect on what alcohol has profited my taste buds and health in contrast to what it’s cost me, the net result is heavy loss and those reasons don’t appear to be good enough.
And even though I'm in no way saying that alcohol is bad in itself (creating it was Jesus' first miracle, after all), and in fact, I expect that I will have another drink at some point, I can’t kid myself that this is a completely innocent activity.
I can’t act like it’s something I can just do and there isn’t this past shadow that it’s cast on the family. I don’t want to drink when it’s a problem for me, and for so many other people that I know!
As I stated at the start, these thoughts have stirred in my mind for years, but what’s brought it to a head now is a simple prophecy that I received in Atlanta in December 2016. Two people, one a guy I know, and another woman who was a stranger to me came up to me at a church and after praying told me that they believe that God is encouraging me to write a book and tell stories about what He is doing, stories that God is making clear to me and helping me to tell.
Now, when these words were spoken to me I was surprised by them because I have never told anyone that I’ve always wanted to write a book, mainly because I thought it would be later in life. And here were two people poking at this thing in my heart and telling me that, in fact, the time is now!
What does this have to do with quitting drinking?
While I’ve enjoyed writing since I was little and have even been described as having a “gift” to do so, in my mind I’ve often told myself that I write best after having a couple drinks (or more). And frankly, in writing circles, this is actually a common mindset! And so I felt validated in thinking that, saw it come true in some instances, and so have thought it for many years.
The problem is this, with the kind of writing that I believe God wants me to do, there’s a massive conflict in my thinking and in my heart! Because as soon as I realized I am supposed to write a book about God, I prayed to God and said,
“Lord, I am only going to write this book if you write this book, you have to guide me!”
And I know without a doubt that God isn’t asking me to have a few drinks so I can hear the Holy Spirit better. What He’s calling me to do is pray and fast and be sober minded so I can listen better and hear what He’s saying more.
In summary, drinking runs in direct conflict with my desire to learn from my past, my thinking about effective writing, and what God is calling me to write in this season of my life. And so, I’m quitting drinking for the foreseeable future, or at least until the book is written and published.
What would also be a huge help for me is to receive your prayers. I really do not expect this to be easy, I’ve drank for so long, and especially socially. However, with God I know this is possible; and so, when you pray, ask God to draw me closer to Him, ask him to give me grace enough to be disciplined about this, to resist temptation, and also, please pray for wisdom and discernment as I write this book! That would mean so much to me, and by all means, if you get some “sense” or some encouraging thought from God as you pray for me, please do let me know! I’m so thankful for the people who are reading these stories, my family, and the ways God speaks through and sharpens me through you, and anticipate that He is going to increase that in the future!
UPDATE: A brother weighs in...
I've been so encouraged as I shared this with, first, my wife, and second, a dear brother in Christ, who is on somewhat of a parallel journey in that he is also feeling called to write a book.
Anyway, this brother, one thing I love about him is his dedication to immersion in Scripture, and as a result, the great wisdom and counsel that comes from him. Many times, the timing of his calls and the words of his counsel have resonated deeply in my life.
So when I told him about this, what he wrote to me gave me depth to this decision, understanding the precedent for making these kinds of vows, even publicly, and as I read through the Scripture he sent, it all, once again, sank deep into my heart. Here's what he wrote:
1. Check out the "Nazerite Vows" in OT. Read the word. Here's some thoughts on it, too: Here. It will encourage you, if you're not aware of it.
2. God wants you to write DRUNK and be DRUNK (FILLED) with His Spirit. It's the only way to write, and live, for God! A great theme verse for you: Ephesians 5:15-21.
3. Great choice, brother. I trust it definitely has a time and purpose for you and His Kingdom!
PS. Make sure you read John's "vow" announced by Gabriel.... Luke 1:13-17
Bringing Jesus to...a Scammer
So I got a friend request, which I quickly realized was a fake, the latest victim in the Facebook imposter scam. It happened to be right as I was finishing up a time in prayer, and my inclination was to see if bringing Jesus into the equation via prayer might have any affect.
Here's what happened...
In Memory of Helen Marie Derfler
At 1:30a on Tue., April 18th, 2017, my grandmother, Helen Marie Derfler, took her last breath.
What a tragedy--because our original design is not to die, not to be separated in this way, and when a person is here in the flesh one day, and gone forever the next, it is always a shocking reality.
What a blessing--because my grandmother, I called her Nanny, was for years ready to leave this world. She would tell you as much! She missed her husband, John, who passed away more than 20 years prior as a result of a heart attack he had while they were dancing.
Anyway, let me tell you a bit about my Nanny in a way that both honors her life and also gives you a flavor of who she was:
First, I think it's telling that since I met Whitney, my wife, in 2010, she's heard pretty much every year since then that Nanny wasn't doing so hot and it might be her last year. I don't know how many ambulance rides Nanny took to Pottsville General Hospital, let's just say it was enough to become a little humorous in our family. Maybe also it was because the hospital was only a few blocks from her house, and also because for the most part, whenever we saw Nanny, she seemed pretty strong for her age. I don't think it would have surprised us if she lived to be 90 or even 100. Needless to say, it's kind of like when you think something might happen for awhile, and it doesn't, but then it does, it's almost even a little more surprising.
My memories of Nanny go back to my earliest memories, here are some of the highlights:
As a wee little guy
Crawling around her house as a kid as young as 4 or 5, I remember the turntable, wanting to touch the records and the needle, it was this big cabinet. I remember hiding under her big dining room table, it was my fort!
Getting back scratches! Nanny had long finger nails and she loved to just scratch my back, she'd do it for longer than anyone else too! Just that physical affection stuck out to me from the time I was a little guy to adulthood!
Nanny's love language had to be gifts, because she loved to give them too. I remember getting these little pencils from her that were printed: "You are loved by Helen M. Derfler."
The gilded age
Nanny in her salon.
There's a part of Nanny that was all feminine and beauty and glamour. She was a beautician for years after all! She liked jewelry and sitting around talking with the ladies! I always asked her how she was doing and she'd talk about her girlfriends.
One of my best memories of Nanny was shopping--she loved shopping. And as a kid, that's what we did best. We walked the mall like a pack of high rollers, and snapped up shoes, clothes, games, toys. And this was when Michael Jordan started putting out shoes, so I was an early adopter of the $120 basketball sneaker. After visiting Nanny, I went back to school walking on clouds.
A hobby when visiting Nanny was looking through the Speigel catalogue, and circling the things I wanted, and Nanny would proceed to order those things. A Sega Genesis with games, clothes, you name it. One time we went to the Pottsville Hadestys Electronics store and Nanny bought three of their newest TV's, one for each grandkid. While Nanny had money, she threw caution to the wind and she spent it, and I remember those days with her, and we sure had fun with it!
As an adult
But when the money thinned out and she was no longer buying shoes for me, she'd send me cards just to say, "I love you." It was never unclear to me, Nanny loved me. She said it so many times.
She'd also call me to leave messages like this one:
A Great Grandmother
Nanny with Boden in 2014
When Whitney and I had Boden we lived in California, and there was a stretch where I wasn't sure Nanny would get to see her great grandson, the next line of Derflers. When she did though, it was such a special moment for me, and for her too. So much that she really couldn't say anything, she just had this big big smile.
My Nanny, in her 88 years of life, gazing upon her great grandson, just 1 year of new life, there's something so striking and rich and sobering about that.
Nanny loved being a great grandmother, in fact, when I spoke with her, we'd mostly talk about the kids. She loved to hear about what they were doing, and she would just make these happy sounds and say things like, "they're so precious," and "he's such a doll!"
Nanny and Lukas in 2016
She loved to hear about her great grandkids, it brought her such joy. So, one year for Christmas Whitney and I knew just what to get her, a photo book full of the latest pictures. She told me she looked at it all the time, and showed all of her friends when they visited.
Nanny also left me encouraging messages like this one:
And now, eternity
When someone dies, I think it's natural (or at least prudent) to wonder where they've gone. And we probably all look for some answer that is going to bring us peace, we cling to the good things, we memorialize them. But being a Christian, as I am, there's also this realization that none of us "measures up," none of us are worthy of the glory of eternity in the presence of God. And yet, we have this gift to be able to have that, if in our heart we just accept that, and when someone does, their life should look different, certainly to God, and probably to men too. So let me tell you what I know about my Nanny's faith in Jesus...
I know that we talked a lot about prayer, and she told me that she prayed often, many times in a day.
Nanny certainly had a lot of the trappings of a Catholic faith, the rosaries, the prayer cards, the candles, the Bible's, and things of that nature laying around.
I know that she had a good discernment about situations. When my sister was killed and in the years since, we would sometimes have really honest conversations about how people were doing, how they were handling that death, especially my parents, and it occurred to me that Nanny had wisdom and discernment about that.
While to many Nanny could appear to have a sort of simple, unaffected, even comical exterior, one that would act as if nothing bothered her and things were no big deal with a wave of the hand, there was another side to her, a much more serious and introspective side. In the last five or so years, I started to talk to Nanny about Jesus, prayer, and death, and I saw that side.
In closing, as I'm sitting here writing this after a solid day of thinking about Nanny and praying for her soul to be received mercifully by the Lord just now, I said to God...
"Dear God, I cannot understand your ways and I do not know how to encapsulate the life of my dear Nanny, I don't know what to say about the most important thing, her soul, her eternity. I don't know how to bring it to a conclusion. And this is the case for me with every person, for who knows a soul but you God alone?! You made her, and in your image, so Father, in this moment, God, tell me something, some whisper about these deep matters that we now ponder over facing her death."
..and just then the lyrics from a song playing in the background ring out at me, and I am warmed over listening to them, especially in light of what I've written here, and I thank God for my Nanny, for her life, and for her eternity. Listen to this song...
Below is a picture of Nanny with her sons (Left of Center, in yellow polo, Jack [my dad], and behind him in the blue polo, is Tom [my uncle]), and extended family.
Why Easter is So Remarkable
Conversations with Billionaires: Why Extreme Wealth Can Be A Curse
Over the past few months I've sat and talked with a few billionaires and centi-millionaires. And, I was surprised to hear more than once that such wealth is a curse. And so recently, coming out of one such meeting, I posted this on Facebook:
The comments on this post went back and forth with some identifying with the great challenge of wealth, and others saying that, in fact, wealth itself cannot be a curse with some suggesting ways to handle it.
Without trying to make a case one way or the other here, I'm going to give more details about where these people were coming from, which will hopefully be of some use to us all.
1. First, keep in mind I was speaking to them about their philanthropy, and each of these folks gives away massive amounts of their wealth, some up to 50% per year. So, by any standard, they are extremely generous, far more than the average person, which is not typical of the extremely wealthy.
2. The principal wealth holder's I met weren't necessarily concerned with their own handling of their wealth, but rather how their family would handle it. In fact, one billionaire said to me that massive wealth almost automatically changes their kids and how they approach work, and not for the better. Statistics show that 70% of wealth is lost by the second generation, 90% by the third, which seems to support this concern.
3. Even if the principal wealth holder believes that he can handle the wealth, there's a sense that it's not always easy to discern if one is doing so. And, the Bible speaks quite a bit about the heart being able to be deceived with regards to wealth. Does one's resources start to provide a sense of security, provision, and joy in place of where God ought to be? With the onset of massive wealth, this becomes difficult to discern. One pastor, Francis Chan, upon learning that his book would net him millions, set up a trust to ensure he couldn't use it for his personal lifestyle for this very reason (read the story here).
4. People of extreme wealth are very concerned about their values, and primarily about their values not being upheld by their successors or those they give money to. I've heard this many times, and people have pointed to Harvard, Yale, and Princeton as examples of wealthy families leaving money to educate students with certain values, which are now mostly lost.
5. The nature of relationships automatically change, where most conversations seem to have a hidden agenda and/or lead to a financial transaction. This dynamic can quickly lead to guilt, family infighting, and abandonment by friends and family who become upset when requests aren't met, and ultimately, a lack of trust and deep loneliness.
6. Everyone seems to have an opinion about how one could or should handle the wealth. Even in the Facebook post I put up, people, complete strangers, right away started providing solutions about how they would handle it, and how they most certainly would not be cursed by such wealth. When one is extremely wealthy, it's almost an invitation for open criticism, whether they give it away or not, just by virtue of them being wealthy.
7. Giving the money away doesn't always feel all that helpful to the recipient. Some folks I'm talking to literally can't give the money away fast enough, and wrestle with the issues that come with giving it away. Individuals and organizations receiving funds sometimes seem worse off than before they got the funding. These kinds of unintended negative consequences are commonplace, and it soon becomes clear that giving money away is, in fact, difficult to do well.
8. In the USA, we are in a society that values and has more wealth than any society before it. Even within the church, it's often the financially successful who are put on stage. We've witnessed the rise of the "prosperity Gospel" and yet, while the Bible uses the word "blessed" 112 times in the New Testament, it never once refers to material wealth. So, with great wealth in the US comes a certain fame and favoritism that would certainly pull away from, not towards, the key tenants of Scripture.
9. Keep in mind that, most people who will read this post are actually very wealthy. In fact, if there were 100 people in a line representing the world's population, everyone reading this post would be in the top 5 wealthiest people in that line. Don't believe me, check the stats here at Global Rich List. For example, I'm in the top .08% of all humans! So while it's easy to point to "that millionaire or billionaire," for statistical purposes and from a global perspective, you might as well point to yourself.
Now, all this having been said...
Is there a way to have wealth and still walk closely with God? Yes.
Would such a walk be difficult and require one to hold onto that wealth very loosely. I think we can agree that, yes, this is true.
Given that I am primarily interested in building up the Church and providing solutions, do I have ideas about how to do this? Indeed, and if you're interested, you should sign up for my email list to be sure you don't miss out on the principles, tools, and resources that are coming very soon.
Here's How to Start Reading the Bible
Okay, you're interested (maybe even really pumped) to dive into the Bible, aka the Word of God, or the Holy Scriptures. It doesn't take long to figure out that 1. it's a massive book of books, 2. it doesn't always make "sense," and 3. there are loads of versions and books that analyze the Bible.
Here's my advice about how to jump in...
Here's the post I did about the Discovery Bible Study that I reference in the video.
My Podcast on Passion Talks w/ Dr. Ernie
An Opera Singer Explains Why We Need Wise Counsel
My Jewelry is All About My Wife
I met this morning with a guy who, despite only sitting in-person with him 2 or 3 times, he is very dear to me, or as we Christians say, he's my brother in Christ (Matthew 12:48-50). And the cool thing about the body of Christ is that God gives spiritual gifts (1 Corinthians 12), and this particular brother, he has the gift of prophecy. This means that He get's "words" from God, and here's what he said to me this morning, as we chatted at Harvard Business School...
It went like this, after chatting for 45 minutes, I asked him if he had anything I should write down, meaning, is God giving you anything for me?
He said that he was given a picture of the meaning of my ring as symbolic of the bond that Whitney and I have together, which is very strong, and has God at the center. He asked me if that had any resonance with the wedding ring that I wear.
I told him that, yes, I had selected this design for a very strong exterior (tungsten) with a beautiful interior (rose gold).
But even further, I told him, shortly after I met Whitney, while we were still dating, I had a piece of jewelry designed to represent our union. The charm melted down a lot of my old jewelry, representing a new beginning, and the gold was formed into the letter "W" for Whitney and "R" for Ryan interwoven, with a diamond at the center, representing Jesus.
And finally, I added, over just the past week, I've been thinking "in the back of my thoughts," really in my soul, about what it would be like to love Whitney more fully. To hear her, love her for who she is, devote myself more fully just to her and to knowing her. Nobody knew about this conversation, and here was this brother with this word from God encouraging me forward in the strength of this union.
This was a fun start to my day in Boston, and another example of how fellowship with believers brings about a "different world" that is encouraging as it shapes in truth and molds one into the image of Christ.
A Word for Those in College Facing Temptation
Galatians Chapter 5
13 You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love. 14 For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” 15 If you bite and devour each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.
16 So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. 17 For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want. 18 But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.
19 The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery;20 idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21 and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. 25 Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. 26 Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.
So You're Hunting for Your Next Opportunity...Here's My Advice
Lots of times people reach out to me wanting advice or help getting to their next opportunity, usually for work. I then ask them to respond to the following:
1. If you are a Christian, what is God telling you? How is that being confirmed in prayer and in your Scripture reading?
2. What are your advisers / wise counsel / your spouse / the people you trust / saying to you?
3. Have you enlisted a few people close to you to pray for this transition? When I've gone through these transitions, I have cried out as the Psalmist:
“Let the favor of the Lord our God be upon us, and establish the work of our hands upon us; yes, establish the work of our hands!”
4. What are the top 3 companies you'd like to work for?
I'm a big fan of aiming for what you want vs what's available. In my experience, what's listed publicly and what's available are often different, and smart companies do what they can to get the right people on the bus.
5. Do you have any restrictions around where you're willing to move, or what seniority level you're after?
6. Is there anyone in my network in particular where an introduction would help? If so, I'll consider how well I know them and if an intro is appropriate.
These details will help me help you! So if you want my help, please let me know your response to these as the best step forward.
And many blessings in your search, may God grow your faith through it.
Ryan
Could You Really Love A Refugee As Your Neighbor?
A good friend of mine was a refugee.
Whitney and I intentionally made friends with our neighbors in San Jose that were Iranian refugees.
My church is right now discussing how to adopt a refugee family.
All of that being said, I'm not so sure most people talking about refugees right now know much about receiving a refugee in this country, here's why...
Jack McCall is One Transparent #handsonchristian
I've known Jack for four years, God has endeared him to me for so many reasons.
Chief among them is the fact that Jack is action-oriented in his faith. He tunes in to what the Holy Spirit is doing so he can hear God prompting him (John 10:27).
As a result, he does wild things like empty his wallet on people (including my wife once, read about it here), and he regularly prayers for people on the spot even complete strangers (read one story I was a part of here).
“I’ve seen first-hand how God has incredibly blessed people to tears through Jack’s quick prayers.”
Jack is also wildly transparent which is rare and has a way of disarming others and empowering them to open up about themselves.
Finally, Jack is one of the most joyful guys I know!
So check out our video chat from today, and know that this is a #handsonchristian, it was a treat to see him and listen to him, and I encourage you to sign up to receive his weekly email, it's one of the few I always read.
For more about Jack and my history together linked up as brothers in Christ, click here.
A Civil Dialogue on Building Walls w/ Christian Perspective
I'm A Toddler Spiritually
Came to realize, as I have been instructing my two sons (age 3 and 19 months) that spiritually I'm a toddler.
I documented this humbling lesson in sanctification online here:
As I've reflected on the truths in this lesson, and the way forward, I realized how rich it is, and found myself thanking God for my children, and recognizing some ways he might be calling me to grow up.
A few that came up quickly as I discussed this with my wife include:
-I need to not be so grumpy when I'm tired, this is self-discipline
-I need to be more careful with my words
-I need to listen to what God is telling me to do, and just do it! For example, God told me BEFORE Boden was born, 3 years ago, to learn songs to sing to him, and I still know only songs like "Jesus Loves Me." Again, toddler status.
-I need to wake up and not just start running around, but need to spend time before God.
-I need to know God's rules and mandates and meditate on them to have any hope of obeying them.
This is a work in progress, more to come, hopefully graduating to a pre-schooler in the next months and years!
My Godly Wife
So the other day my wife shows me a post she put on Instagram, and as I looked through her posts, I realize that she's putting all these wonderful little nuggets of her faith online too.
I mean, I know that these things happen in her life all the time, but to see how she documents it, life through her eyes, well, let's just say I'm one proud husband.
And the best part, look who get's the glory!